{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"12229229","dateCreated":"1242745106","smartDate":"May 19, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mmcferran","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mmcferran","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12229229"},"dateDigested":1532767401,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"this was a greta story about how things really can be better on the other side. I liked how you used your family experiences to make your point. This was sweet, hopeful and uplifting! Great Job!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12139799","dateCreated":"1242399407","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"DrewGauvain","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/DrewGauvain","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237994231\/DrewGauvain-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12139799"},"dateDigested":1532767401,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"what you believe is very clear becuase you back it up with the actual events and people in your life. this helps to clearify. however, i was confused and had to reread some of the events to understand them better.a little longer would have helped also.
\nwell written.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12139037","dateCreated":"1242398479","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kaygeo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kaygeo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12139037"},"dateDigested":1532767401,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"You picked a very good topic to write about. However, it was quite confusing for me to read. Many parts, I had to read over but then still was confused.
\n
\nFor example- all the names & relations. Incorporating all the names into this story made it very confusing to understand what is happening.
\n
\nTo improve your story, consider the following suggestions:
\n
\nRevise this sentence- it doesn't really flow to me:
\n"My grandfather was depressed and lonely after his wife was taken from him, my father got angrier than he ever was before and it really impacted the family pretty bad."
\n
\nAlso by saying "it really impacted the family pretty bad" makes your point sound weak. Instead say something like, "It really affected the entire family in significant ways."
\n
\n
\nBe sure to revise these things so your story is much easier to read and much more clear.
\n
\n
\nAlso, instead of saying "I really think" say something stronger like "I strongly believe"
\n
\n
\nDon't get discouraged, you have a good start!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12138509","dateCreated":"1242398005","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"etreb","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/etreb","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12138509"},"dateDigested":1532767401,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comment","description":"
\nPositive: I like how you added a lot from your life into this story, it really made it a good "This I Believe" piece for that reason. I also liked how you were so indepth with the description of everyone. You didn't just say they were sick you expanded on it, good job.
\n
\nNegative: The only problem I had was that it was very short and I would have liked to see it be a little longer so I could have enjoyed it more.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12138349","dateCreated":"1242397835","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"desiree377","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/desiree377","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12138349"},"dateDigested":1532767401,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I love how you connected your story so strongly to your family experiences. Your family obviously went through a lot but in your story you clearly state that the grass is greener on the other side and you got many good things out of a few bad. One thing I was confused about was all the names and there relations. If you could clear that it up the story would be easier to follow. Great job!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12138303","dateCreated":"1242397776","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"oliviah15","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/oliviah15","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1222128529\/oliviah15-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12138303"},"dateDigested":1532767401,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"This had a good message, but was very confusing. It was hard to understand who married who, and all of the different connections with the people. This may need some revision pertaining to word choice and sentence construction.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12007685","dateCreated":"1242141281","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"butwills","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/butwills","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12007685"},"dateDigested":1532767401,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"Wow, it sounds like your family went through a lot. It\u2019s so inspiring that they didn\u2019t let the horrible history get to them and they came out so strong and loving in the end! It really makes you think about how if there\u2019s so much beauty there, there must be an incredibly amount of beauty all around us that we don\u2019t even notice or appreciate.
\n
\nOnly thing I noticed about your paper was your \u201cthe grass is always greener on the other side\u201d. I think this phrase is used when you\u2019re wishing or coveting a life that isn\u2019t yours, and you\u2019re not appreciating the life that you\u2019re given. The way I read your paper, your message sounded almost the opposite, that your family appreciated every aspect of beauty in the life that they were stuck with, and made the best of situations.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"12230611","body":"this was a touching story. the fact that you have been through so much, yet you and your family are still strong and happy means the most. and i agree with butwills that your paper's message was a little off. nice job.","dateCreated":"1242747241","smartDate":"May 19, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"tylerjlhs","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/tylerjlhs","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"12007431","dateCreated":"1242141073","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dimariad","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dimariad","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12007431"},"dateDigested":1532767402,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"i found your story very confusing. all the names made it kind of hard to follow. but it was good how you took something that is supposed to be about you and made it about other people","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"12138755","body":"I agree, I had a tough time following everybodys names. It was also hard to follow the beginning, did your grandfather remarry? You need to clear up the confusion in the essay. Make it a little longer to clear everything up.","dateCreated":"1242398211","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"wihbeyj","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/wihbeyj","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"12007273","dateCreated":"1242140943","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"Shayna_Jenkins","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Shayna_Jenkins","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1224158020\/Shayna_Jenkins-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12007273"},"dateDigested":1532767402,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I liked how you connected this story to something besides yourself; something from outside your personal life and mind. But, I was very confused with all the names and connetions. If this was clairified, it would really improve the flow of the story.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]}],"more":false},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}