{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"12141765","dateCreated":"1242401744","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mmcferran","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mmcferran","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12141765"},"dateDigested":1532767403,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"What is your belief? You said a lot about history and about how christains are condemed. What is your main belief? Also I think you made a prety false accusation about how people think that christians have crazy beliefs. If that was a fact and everyone had the same opinion it would be a different story but that is a pretty broad generalization. other than that veruy well written","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12139769","dateCreated":"1242399381","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"butwills","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/butwills","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12139769"},"dateDigested":1532767403,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"
\nThis was really interesting with all the facts and examples and such! Plus, it\u2019s also something I really believe in, I definitely think that we\u2019ve lost a lot of the Christian values in our society.
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\nSo, I know that this wasn\u2019t what you intended, but your piece comes across as a little bit of an attack on our society , which might make the reader defensive.
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\nMaybe if you take a more respectful tone towards the evolutionists and scientists it would help the power of your message. For example \u201cthey are forced to listen to their teacher rant about Darwin\u2019s theory how humans evolved from monkeys\u201d doesn\u2019t come across without a lot of respect for the people that believe in that stuff.
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\nI also think that the last line \u201cWhat is happening America?\u201d might want to be taken out. Because I think this phrase might cause defensiveness. I think that your case will come across more strongly if you make it a positive one rather than a negative one. Like instead of talking about all of the negative aspects of what society has come from, talk about all the positive aspects of Christianity, and how it helped to build our nation, which you did a lot of already. Or like the stuff about evolution definitely helps your piece, but I think if you got rid of the negative tone towards it, the argument would be stronger. Hopefully this is making sense, if not you know where to find me!
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\nAlso, for grammatical things I found:
\nEveryone is so concerned with having separation of Christianity with secular life, but they forget: everyone is a singular pronoun, so they doesn\u2019t match up with it. Maybe you can replace they with people?
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\nOverall, I loved your message for this piece, and I admire that you are able to talk about your beliefs so publically, which I guess just kind of goes to prove your point \uf04a","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12139485","dateCreated":"1242398975","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kaygeo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kaygeo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12139485"},"dateDigested":1532767403,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"This was a very unique "This I Believe" essay. It is a misfit from all the others, and I really admire that.
\nI thought it was a very good idea to use various quotes to strengthen your point. I think you could also present your ideas in a more interesting and exciting way, so the reader is glued to the screen\/page at all times.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12138437","dateCreated":"1242397939","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"wihbeyj","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/wihbeyj","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12138437"},"dateDigested":1532767403,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comment","description":"You believe in your topic. This can be seen by all of the info that you got for it. You did a great job, but you have to show it in a more interesting way.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12008277","dateCreated":"1242141888","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dsk23","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dsk23","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12008277"},"dateDigested":1532767403,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"Its hard for me to comment postively on this because I completely disagree with your belief, But I understand your point of view. Your arguement will sound more valid or credible if you edit it to sound more mature. The phrase "was actually like" in the sentence "Christianity was actually like a founding father of America in many ways," sounds very conversational.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12007159","dateCreated":"1242140818","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"etreb","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/etreb","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12007159"},"dateDigested":1532767404,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comment","description":"Positive: You arised many goods points and events that had transpired in the past that I didn't realize. I became aware that all the events in the past had been solely for our nation under god.
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\nNegative: I felt like this story was actually a history lesson than a "This I Believe" essay. It was kind of dulling just for this simple reason. I would have liked you to add things from your own life not other people's experiences and beliefs.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"12007299","body":"i agree with like everything eamon said. i think if you spent more space on the actual this i believe part it would have been better and more supportive of your point
\ni also thought that it was really good how you took such a different belief than everyone elsse","dateCreated":"1242140961","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dimariad","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dimariad","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"12139595","body":"i agree also. although the setup is very creative and thought provoking, i think you should include more about what you believe. maybe cut down on the facts and write more on your beliefe. it was a creative piece but needs more on "what you believe".","dateCreated":"1242399141","smartDate":"May 15, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"DrewGauvain","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/DrewGauvain","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237994231\/DrewGauvain-lg.jpg"}},{"id":"12230537","body":"i did like this story and how there was so much history tied into it. but i do agree with drew that more of the story should include "what YOU believe." it would make it a more personal story and more moving. it was very creative though. well done.","dateCreated":"1242747093","smartDate":"May 19, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"tylerjlhs","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/tylerjlhs","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"12006863","dateCreated":"1242140529","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"Shayna_Jenkins","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Shayna_Jenkins","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1224158020\/Shayna_Jenkins-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12006863"},"dateDigested":1532767404,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I really like how oppionated you were during this and how unforgiving it was, it made it very honest and real. But, I would encorporate better vocabulary to make your statement stronger.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"12005785","dateCreated":"1242139366","smartDate":"May 12, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"desiree377","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/desiree377","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/12005785"},"dateDigested":1532767404,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I think it was interesting how you brought in so many different examples and quotes. It was a great idea, I never would have thought to do that. I also really respect how highly you care about your religion. This was a really interesting piece and it was very well written. I think it might be less confusing, if you add a few sentences at the begining rather then starting with quotes though.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]}],"more":false},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}