{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"11600869","dateCreated":"1241101872","smartDate":"Apr 30, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mmcferran","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mmcferran","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11600869"},"dateDigested":1532767426,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"The story was very confusing at the very beging when you were describing what your parents thought you didn't know. Also clarity throughout the story was a bit lacking. I liked the plot and the tone and scenery was recognizable but it was very confusing.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"11431113","dateCreated":"1240586550","smartDate":"Apr 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"oliviah15","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/oliviah15","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1222128529\/oliviah15-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11431113"},"dateDigested":1532767426,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"cut outs","description":"The best thing i could say to cut out would be when you are describiing him being bored. Take chunks out of it and maybe condense the two paragraphs into one samll one","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"11430727","dateCreated":"1240586196","smartDate":"Apr 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"allie4522","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/allie4522","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237993324\/allie4522-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11430727"},"dateDigested":1532767426,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comments","description":"I loved this story. It had a very original plot and was well thought out. But I think you could have put more detail into the end, maybe take out some from when she was trapped inside? Also shorten your paragraphs so that its easier to read.
\nBut overall really good strong story.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"11430721","dateCreated":"1240586191","smartDate":"Apr 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"desiree377","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/desiree377","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11430721"},"dateDigested":1532767426,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I enjoyed this story, but honestly it was hard to follow. I think more information is necessary for the reader to understand it better.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"11345371","dateCreated":"1240413493","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"oliviah15","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/oliviah15","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1222128529\/oliviah15-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11345371"},"dateDigested":1532767426,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"story 6","description":"I loved this story. It was so suspensful and i had to keep reading in order to know what was happening next. It was a unique alternate history because if there was an alternate history story i thought it would be something like African Americans would not get rights, but you took it in a way different direction. the only thing i suggest is that to make sure you proof read because i noticed a lot of small words that you forgot to type and some careless errors.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"11345291","dateCreated":"1240413390","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kassondramaie","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kassondramaie","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11345291"},"dateDigested":1532767426,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"To many words","description":"my story is 1087 words....so i need to cut it down. if anyonr can tell me anything that they mabey found unneccasary please let me know!!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"11431559","body":" You could cut out some words by revising the sentences a little bit. The writing is a little converstational. For example, you can combine sentences, which would shorten the length.
\n
\n"But the second the air hit my face I knew something was wrong, something I was naive to inside my house. "
\n
\nHowever, the second the air hit my face, I knew something was wrong.
\n
\n"There was this TERRIBLE odor that was absolutely disgusting."
\n
\nA disgusting, putrid odor filled the air.
\n
\n..divide the paragraphs so you can organize the infomation better and see if there are things you can cut out that arent completely necessary. Also, You start lines with "but" alot, which are easy to cut out.","dateCreated":"1240586978","smartDate":"Apr 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dsk23","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dsk23","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"11431891","body":"I really liked this story. It was out of the ordinary and that really drew me into it. Nice use of foreshadowing when you say \u201cIt was strange that my dad was up this early."
\n
\nTo help on your word limit consider some of these suggestions:
\n- reword\/combine some sentences so they are shorter
\n Ex: "Since I didn\u2019t have to go to school I decided to go back to sleep for a while. When I woke and went downstairs everything was different than it was that morning."
\n changed: Since I didn\u2019t have to go to school I decided to go back to sleep. But when I woke and went downstairs, everything was different."
\nThe sentences are very similar but the second has only 25 words, when the original has 32.
\nLittle things like that may not seem like much but at the end, you'd be amazed.
\n-Also, you could cut out some of the description when the house is all boarded up and whatnot.","dateCreated":"1240587318","smartDate":"Apr 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kaygeo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kaygeo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"11345277","dateCreated":"1240413379","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"wihbeyj","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/wihbeyj","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11345277"},"dateDigested":1532767427,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comment","description":"I had trouble telling what the war was all about, I think you needed a little more explaining about who was starting the war, black people or white people. I also didnt understand the ending very well. Was his father going to kill him?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"11345483","body":"i agree with joey. i got confused a lot in this story. i dont know if it was just me or not but it did. like is charles manson black or white? and who is he leading? was he the kids dad?
\nwhat you did really well was write from a mans persepective when your a girl. i could automatically tell that the kid was a boy before you said he was","dateCreated":"1240413684","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dimariad","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dimariad","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"11345537","body":"oh, and there are just a couple grammatical and spelling errors but thats it!","dateCreated":"1240413735","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dimariad","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dimariad","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"11344793","dateCreated":"1240412785","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"etreb","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/etreb","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11344793"},"dateDigested":1532767427,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comment","description":"
\nPositive: It was a very interesting plot line. I really liked how much detail you added into the girl's thoughts. I really felt like we needed a story about African American Rights and this was it. Again, a very good read and well developed.
\n
\nNegative: I got the sense that the girl had been indulging the racism by calling the African-Americans as "the blacks". Or it could have been nothing at all. I also thought that it could have had more detail onto what was actually going on in the story at the very begining because I was confused towards the start of it.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"11345009","body":"i thought that by having her refer to african americans as 'the blacks' just sdded to the fact that this was what the world was like.
\nit made it seem like thing had been this way for so long that even the people who were being mistreated had no other way to refer to themselves","dateCreated":"1240413095","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"LDion","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/LDion","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237476747\/LDion-lg.jpg"}},{"id":"11431077","body":"I agree with Eamon that i was confused in the begining of the story. Possibly explain more in the begining. That will just give me more as to what is going on.
\n"It was like boredom was trying to strangle me". this is a great sentence. i like that you could have said that you were bored. this is a much better way.
\nyour story line was very creative. just some more explaning would make it better.","dateCreated":"1240586506","smartDate":"Apr 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"DrewGauvain","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/DrewGauvain","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237994231\/DrewGauvain-lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"11344721","dateCreated":"1240412716","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"Shayna_Jenkins","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Shayna_Jenkins","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1224158020\/Shayna_Jenkins-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11344721"},"dateDigested":1532767427,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"The idea of this story was really creative and it was very well written. It all seemed to flow well, and it wasn't confusing. The only error I noticed was that the phrase: " It was strange that my dad was up this early." was after the father was talking. I think that it would be better if this was said before the father said the boy couldn't go to school because then it would make the reader more suspicious to what was going to happen next.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"11344847","body":"I agree with this comment, I also thought the story pocessed a unique flow to it. It was most satisfying and something that I will take into account when writing my next piece.","dateCreated":"1240412856","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"etreb","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/etreb","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"11344475","dateCreated":"1240412463","smartDate":"Apr 22, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"tylerjlhs","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/tylerjlhs","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11344475"},"dateDigested":1532767427,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"this story was very different. the images i was able to make from reading this were very... well... interesting. the ending was sort of quick, yet unexpected. it was a creative idea to turn the story into something based from a song. i did really like this story. it was definatly one that made me think...
\n
\nthere were a few errors here and there, but otherwise, i think this story flows pretty well.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]}],"more":false},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}