{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"10791474","dateCreated":"1238683518","smartDate":"Apr 2, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"katieob","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieob","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10791474"},"dateDigested":1532767446,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment ghost story 9","description":"I enjoyed the action of the haunting. The neon graffiti is unique and interesting. I could see an image of the actions in my mind as they occurred in the story.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10732148","dateCreated":"1238551077","smartDate":"Mar 31, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"fidan1993","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/fidan1993","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1235147613\/fidan1993-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10732148"},"dateDigested":1532767446,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"Positive: GREAT description,
\ngood sentence structure and flow, easy to follow
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\nNegative: Didn't seem spooky or scary to me,
\nat first i thought the story was going to start of calm and relaxing and then get intense and scary although it didn't get too scary, there wasn't really a climax, and the end was too peaceful
\n" A smile grew on everyone\u2019s faces. We had never planned to help, but yet a blanket of accomplishment enclosed us all. We walked out of the lighthouse, closing the door behind us. "
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\n^^ too happy","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10705788","dateCreated":"1238511079","smartDate":"Mar 31, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"xChangetheStars","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/xChangetheStars","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10705788"},"dateDigested":1532767446,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"Nice transition into the stormy weather with Brooke\u2019s complaint of not being able to see the stars as well. Really interesting and unique plot line\/ideas. Your story held my attention and had an interesting resolution. Great story :)
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\nTo shorten the story, I would suggest cutting out a lot of the beginning. The explanations of their relationships and the thrill of summer is not really necessary to the rest of the story. I think their relationships can be summed up in a couple of sentences and then can be understood from their interactions with one another.
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\n\u201cThat\u2019s just was we did.\u201d ---Typo, I think\u2014\u201cwhat\u201d instead of \u201cwas\u201d
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\n\u201cWe found a little trail that led to the point with was covered in a little pine grove.\u201d \u2013sentence is slightly awkward, maybe reword it.
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\n\u201cNone of us believe in ghosts\u201d\u2014\u201cbelieved\u201d; \u201cWe threw our cloths in\u201d\u2014\u201cclothes\u201d
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\n\u201cIt was so dark even though the morning light was so intense.\u201d\u2014repetition of \u201cso\u201d, maybe use a different emphatic word.
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\n\u201cThe trail led us right to an old abandoned light house. I had never seen this one before. It was small and looked like it was about to fall apart.\u201d \u2013maybe instead of simply stating details like this, you could describe what it looks like to paint the picture in the reader\u2019s mind without you having to say it outright. Of course, space is limited but I just mean one or two sentences\u2026for instance, depending upon what you want it to look like (this is purely example and may not pertain to your lighthouse at all), \u201cThe trail led us to an aged lighthouse that I had never seen before. Its dark windows were boarded with rotting wood and the mildew-covered stone from which it was built seemed to crumble before our eyes.\u201c
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\nThe beginning reads a little like a list\u2014I would suggest adding more sentence variety and a few transitions to help statements flow together a little better. You can, of course, still maintain the short, \u201cto-the-point\u201d ideas\/style, but I would still link it together a little more fluently.
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\n:)","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10606500","dateCreated":"1238168106","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"claire2849","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/claire2849","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10606500"},"dateDigested":1532767447,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"The idea here is a really good one. I think it's a really good story, but clearly it's too far over the word limit. There are also some basic spelling and grammar errors that can be corrected with a few revisions.
\nIf you have to cut out five hundred words, I would suggest beginnign at a later point in the story. The current beginning of your story is just explaining the relationships between the characters, the thrill of a summer together and the camping trip. I think you should cut all of that out, throwing in a sentence or two just to explain who the characters are, to make the story a more isolated event. Starting abruptly with the thunderstorm would cut down alot of words and make a more exciting, thrilling atmosphere to the story. It also doesn't weigh down the story with excess descriptions of the characters' friendship and their tradition of making s'mores.
\nOther than that, I really liked this story.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10606488","dateCreated":"1238168100","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kaygeo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kaygeo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10606488"},"dateDigested":1532767447,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I really enjoyed reading this. It was creative and well-written. There were many details and descriptions.... but maybe too much?
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\nMuch of the beginning of story is not needed. The 3rd and 5th paragraph are really not necessary to have in your story. Taking this out would really help to cut down your story.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10606166","dateCreated":"1238167594","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dsk23","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dsk23","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10606166"},"dateDigested":1532767447,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"In order to cut 500 words from this story I think you need to delve more quickly into the action. The descriptions and infomation about the friends in the introductory are interesting but you can describe them throughout, instead of directly doing so. There can be less characterization and the story can still be clear and engaging. You can also cut more of the first couple paragraphs. If you be a little more ambiguous about why you're there and such it will be much more suspensful.
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\nI liked the setting, unusual choice for a ghost story!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10605754","dateCreated":"1238166920","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"LDion","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/LDion","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237476747\/LDion-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10605754"},"dateDigested":1532767447,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I thought this was an awesome idea, the fact that this ghost story ends with this solid, happy conclusion that most don't have.
\nLike others said i think you could shorten the descriptions of their friendship, and the circumstances in the beginning as well as some of the campsite descritions.
\nOne thing i kind of liked but kind of didn't about it though was the whole fact that they were camping. So many scary stories start with a bunch of teenagers camping that it can get chiche, and this can bore people who think "i've heard this all before". I did however like the way you had something i've never heard before happening. I was getting a bit of a "Friday the 13th" vibe for a while so i was expecting some haunted camp and a guy with a machette. When something completely different happened it peaked my interest. So, i don't know i guess it can work for and agaist you. maybe if you made it so everything wasn't SO perfect with the camping trip it would seem more interesting.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10605750","dateCreated":"1238166914","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"oliviah15","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/oliviah15","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1222128529\/oliviah15-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10605750"},"dateDigested":1532767447,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"ghost story 9","description":"This had lots of description however it was not neccessary. YOu could cut out the part about the stars and Jack falling because it doesn't relate to the story at all. Also, you could compact the whole part about before going to the lighthouse into one paragraph taking out the minor events. Another thing is that it seemed as though you concentrated on the nights events rather than on the lighthouse itself. By decreasing words you should try to only focus on thelighthouse and nohting else. Maybe, start out with the story of them going to the lighthouse","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10605594","dateCreated":"1238166729","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dimariad","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dimariad","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10605594"},"dateDigested":1532767447,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"this was a very intresting story. i think you could take the 2sd and 3rd paragraphs out becuase they dont add anything to story along with the paragraph toward the end when it talks about how everything at the campsite was soaked. a few other things came to my attention. you said that jack got up and read the graffiti when he had already fallen down and hurt his leg. and you say it was still pouring rain on the their way back to the house when while they were going to the light house you said the rain had lightened. you also use the the word piled alot.
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\ni think after you make some changes the story will be a lot better. its already really good but it could use some revision","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10605332","dateCreated":"1238166421","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mmcferran","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mmcferran","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10605332"},"dateDigested":1532767448,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"Great story. If you need to cut take some parts at the campsite off and a little bit of the introduction off. All in all very good and a bit creepy","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]}],"more":true},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}