{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"10793896","dateCreated":"1238685688","smartDate":"Apr 2, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"xChangetheStars","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/xChangetheStars","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10793896"},"dateDigested":1532767461,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"Interesting word choice in saying \u201cascent into solitude\u201d as one usually doesn\u2019t feel that solitude is something to rise or ascend into--Adds a little irony or provokes thought\u2026it sort of characterizes narrator\u2019s view of isolation as an escape, a positive thing. I love your story. It held my interest all throughout and led me to want to read more!
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\n\u201cMy father, whom I call by his first name Jared, and I spent\u201d \u2013insert comma after \u201cname\u201d (before Jared)
\n
\n\u201cquite the eccentric\u201d \u2013just a minor, unnecessary detail but I would suggest using \u201can\u201d instead of \u201cthe\u201d as it just works better in context with the rest of the sentence
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\n\u201ctolerance of his oddity to\u201d \u2013\u201cof\u201d here should be \u201cfor\u201d
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\n\u201chuman, extremely disturbing with blood-red skin\u201d \u2013I suggest inserting a comma between \u201cdisturbing\u201d and \u201cwith\u201d
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\n:)","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10790134","dateCreated":"1238682522","smartDate":"Apr 2, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"katieob","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieob","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10790134"},"dateDigested":1532767461,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment ghost story 3","description":"Your word choice is phenomenal. This truly contributes to the description in the story. I loved it!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10706756","dateCreated":"1238512224","smartDate":"Mar 31, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mgfabbri","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mgfabbri","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10706756"},"dateDigested":1532767461,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"I love the tone of this story coming from the teenage girl. you can really tell how much she thinks all the majic stuff is a joke. i really love all of the discription too! it makes me want to read more about her strange encounters in the house with her father and mr. mitchell. a few parts were confusing but just a little revision will help. really good story and i loved the ending!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10518572","dateCreated":"1237995104","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"colangeloc","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/colangeloc","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1238686036\/colangeloc-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10518572"},"dateDigested":1532767461,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Ghost Story 3","description":"awesome details and description
\nmaybe a little too much so you can shorten it down
\ngood job","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10518148","dateCreated":"1237994660","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"butwills","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/butwills","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10518148"},"dateDigested":1532767461,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"You could change\u201cI couldn\u2019t help hating the vacation before it even began\u201d to \u201cI hated the vacation\u2026\u201d
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\n\u201cno doubt something involving magic or some other absurd oddity\u201d to \u201cno doubt involving some absurd oddity\u201d
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\nYou can cut \u201cMagic isn\u2019t real! Is that all I am to you, Jared? A convenient ingredient for your BS hobbies?\u201d because, although it would definitely add something if you had unlimited words, it is unnecessary because the main character has already made her point clear to her father.
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\nIn the sentence \u201cWhat I heard shattered my carefully constructed world where magic didn\u2019t exist and my father was just a deluded man who invested more time in foolish hobbies than he did in his only daughter\u201d You can cut \u201cand my father was just a deluded man who invested more time in foolish hobbies than he did in his only daughter\u201d.
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\nThey\u2019re little changes, but hopefully they\u2019ll help you cut back
\nYou can cut \u201cand I did not have the necessary tolerance of his oddity to endure that\u201d in the 1st paragraph. It\u2019s not necessary because you already established the characters dislike of the eccentric.
\n
\ndidn\u2019t\u2019 should be didn\u2019t
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\nI love Mr. Mitchell\u2019s over the top vocabulary, it adds a little bit of humor to the story: \u201cyour father is greatly troubled by the vehemence with which you slandered his opinion of you\u201d
\nChange one of the strange\u2019s in \u201cstrange orange light into the room, but strangely I couldn\u2019t\u201d to another word.
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\nOverall, you had a really good plot, it was really creative! I loved the ending, how it wasn\u2019t actually Mr. Mitchell. It left me with a creepy feeling, and now I really want to know what the devil thing was.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10517442","dateCreated":"1237993999","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kaygeo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kaygeo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10517442"},"dateDigested":1532767462,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I really enjoyed reading this story. It is filled with good descriptions making the setting and what is going on very easy to picture. The wide range of vocabulary used made the story interesting but also confusing at some times, as at some points I would have to look up a word to understand the meaning of a sentence. To help cut down your story, quantity wise, consider cutting out some of the beginning. You don't really need much to some sentences including:
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\n"Jared has always been quite the eccentric man with a taste for anything unusual. I detested his eccentricity and rebelled against it with everything I had. I detested his eccentricity and rebelled against it with everything I had."
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\nInstead, you could say something like:
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\nJared had always been quite eccentric, desiring anything unsual. As for me, I detested this and rebelled aganist it in anyway I could.
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\nThat shortens only 23 words, 15 less then you previously had.
\n
\nYou can also shorten many other sentences. A couple of them include:
\n"I couldn\u2019t help hating the vacation before it even began, because I knew that every day would be spent indulging one of my father\u2019s bizarre interests, and I did not have the necessary tolerance of his oddity to endure that."
\n
\nand
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\n"We were making ourselves comfortable in our new home, which for Jared meant fixing himself a Bloody Mary and for me meant isolating myself in my room as quickly as possible, when a single knock resonated through the cavernous front hallway"
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\nThere were also some grammatical errors in the story.
\n
\nHope my suggestions are useful.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10517402","dateCreated":"1237993963","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dsk23","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dsk23","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10517402"},"dateDigested":1532767462,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"I no way was this a boring story... The plot is unusual and what happens is unexpected. You might want to hint a reason in the begginning as to why a devil would visit you. This might connect it all togeher.
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\nTo cut down word count I would try to condense sentences wihtout losing the meaning of what you want to say.
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\n"I was surprised that he knew my name, but I stayed silent. I was in no mood to be comforted by my dad\u2019s weird cohort." (25)
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\nInstead, maybe try, " Surprised, and in no mood to be comforted by my dad\u2019s weird cohort, I remained silent." (16)","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10517378","dateCreated":"1237993949","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"allie4522","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/allie4522","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237993324\/allie4522-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10517378"},"dateDigested":1532767462,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comments.","description":"I didn't really like this story, I thought it wasn't very scary at all. The idea was okay, but I think you could cut back on some of the vocab, it's almost overwhelming. Also take some in the begining of the story and add it too the part with the devil-creature. It was a very unique idea though.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10516566","dateCreated":"1237992991","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mmcferran","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mmcferran","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10516566"},"dateDigested":1532767462,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"AWESOME STORy. It was very creepy and very well written.
\nA few suggestions:
\nThe part where you say no doubt something involving magic is a very imediate way of presenting a metaphor. Lead up to it and give us some backround on this girls fathers obsession with magic. The vocab use was good, but at times too much. All in all very well done!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10337630","dateCreated":"1237475036","smartDate":"Mar 19, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kim-berry","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kim-berry","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1240585481\/kim-berry-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10337630"},"dateDigested":1532767462,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comments","description":"So, I like the story over all, its pretty good - unlike normal stories where the father is an abusive guy or a real nice guy to the daughter, they are kinda on weird terms. Its unique I guess you could say. Anyways, I think that the little creature coming in was a little too quick and could've been elaborated on, and the magic thing could've been cut back. It just didn't come off very scary actually it was a bit boring at parts. But thats just about it. The story over all was pretty well put together.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]}],"more":true},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}