{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"10790044","dateCreated":"1238682403","smartDate":"Apr 2, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"katieob","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieob","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10790044"},"dateDigested":1532767463,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment ghost story 2","description":"This story was amazing! I could thoroughly paint a picture in my mind of what exactly was going on. I loved your description of the figure in the black hood.
\n
\nGreat story!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10731094","dateCreated":"1238549525","smartDate":"Mar 31, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"fidan1993","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/fidan1993","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1235147613\/fidan1993-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10731094"},"dateDigested":1532767463,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I LOVED IT :]
\n
\n
\nit's different, and i like the title.
\n
\ni like how everything led up to the end it was mysterious. :]
\n
\nFor the word count problem, cutting out some details in the intro might help since it would still make sense without them","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10706214","dateCreated":"1238511605","smartDate":"Mar 31, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mgfabbri","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mgfabbri","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10706214"},"dateDigested":1532767463,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"This story was really well done! it keeps the reader still questioning what had happened and wanting to read further to what happens next. you can cut out the description of his clothing,because you dont really need it.. like when you say
\n"All I ever saw of him were his hands." it made it a little confusing of why you were discribing the clothing when all you were really focusing on are his hands. other then that this storyy was realllly good and i enjoyed reading it!!!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10604600","dateCreated":"1238165605","smartDate":"Mar 27, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"xChangetheStars","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/xChangetheStars","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10604600"},"dateDigested":1532767463,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"Well-written and definitely held my attention throughout. I could be wrong, but you definitely get the idea that this guy is some sort of vampire type thing and that he is not actually a villain, which is interesting in itself and can bring up the duality of human nature and the idea that things are not always who or what they seem to be (or are expected to be).
\n
\nIf you want to cut down the words, I think you could omit the part about the watch because it doesn\u2019t really end up connecting to the rest of the story, although it does make for an intriguing introduction. The next paragraph would make for a good introduction as well, and that would help with the word restriction.
\n
\n\u201cpalest I\u2019ve ever seen-chalky almost-the nails yellowed and old, long fingers splotched with ink. I think it was ink.\u201d \u2013you might want to use commas for the \u201calmost chalky\u201d part instead of dashes. Of course, this is not a necessary edit but it might read a little clearer.
\n
\n:)","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10585630","dateCreated":"1238110445","smartDate":"Mar 26, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"claire2849","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/claire2849","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10585630"},"dateDigested":1532767464,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"I like this story alot. It's simple and very well written, which makes it easier to read and pay attention to. The end is exciting without having a bad contrast of a huge action scene to the calm setting established in the first part of the story, which I like.
\n
\nThe ending was a little bit unclear to me, though that did leave alot of room for personal interpretation, which might be what you intended. Maybe you could add more explanation of the second figure.
\n
\nTo help shorten your story I would suggest taking out the paragraph describing only the man's clothing. In my opinion, this man's characterization is made perfectly clear by simply stating that his hands were all that were ever seen.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10517890","dateCreated":"1237994455","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"colangeloc","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/colangeloc","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1238686036\/colangeloc-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10517890"},"dateDigested":1532767464,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Ghost Story 2","description":"very interesting, kept my attention.
\n
\n
\nto shorten it up I would leave out the description of his clothes. Its unrelated. i loved the rest","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10516774","dateCreated":"1237993293","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"butwills","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/butwills","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10516774"},"dateDigested":1532767464,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"One thing you could do would be to take out the description on the man\u2019s clothes. It doesn\u2019t fit in well, especially right after you make such a huge emphasis about only seeing the man\u2019s hands.
\n
\nOverall, it\u2019s confusing how you say that the speaker only saw the man\u2019s hands, but then goes into a description of watching the man the whole night.
\n
\n\u201cHe sat there the entire night nursing it\u201d maybe change it to \u201cthe drink\u201d, because the way it\u2019s worded now it\u2019s a little confusing what you are referring to.
\n
\nI love the suspense in the line \u201cI should have noticed the ice hadn\u2019t melted.\u201d This line makes the reader curious as to what is so different about the man. I also love how you further his sense of an unordinary villain with the \u201cIt was like trying to bite granite. He laughed\u201d. This line shows that he is invincible to the main character\u2019s efforts, and he knows it.
\n
\n\u201cHe ran his free hand through my hair, down my face, along my neck, finally resting it on my shoulder. He bent down and ran his nose along my collarbone.\u201d This was really creepy, because I could almost feel the man touching me.
\n
\nAlso, the time that the story is set in is really good for creating suspense.
\n
\nYou can cut the line \u201cI charged his drink and put the change with the rest of the night\u2019s tips.\u201d
\n
\nIn the phrase \u201cI don\u2019t know how but suddenly he was behind me\u201d you can get rid of the \u201cI don\u2019t know how\u201d
\n
\n\u201cI could\u2019ve gotten it fixed easily but I don\u2019t think I\u2019d ever see anything other than of the cracked glass and hands stuck at 3:42 a.m.\u201d I love this concept. You just need a comma after but. Also, if you change it to \u201cbut, I\u2019d never be able to see anything\u2026\u201d It would make the traumatic effects of your story more assertive and create more suspense.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10516762","dateCreated":"1237993271","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dsk23","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dsk23","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10516762"},"dateDigested":1532767464,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"To chop the wordcount, condense sentences by deleting uneccesary words. For example, instead of,"He said four words in the five hours he sat there." Maybe try, " He said a mere four words in five hours."
\nIt makes a small change, but if you do it to alot of sentences it will not only cut the number down, but condense the sentences to be more concise.
\n
\n
\nAnother example,"I don\u2019t know how but suddenly he was behind me, ink-stained hand covering my mouth and a long arm pulling me towards him."
\n
\nCut "I don't know how but" to just read, "suddenly he was behind me, ink-stained hand covering my mouth and a long arm pulling me towards him."
\n
\nit makes it more dramatic as well.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10516704","dateCreated":"1237993193","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"kaygeo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/kaygeo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10516704"},"dateDigested":1532767464,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I was very interested in what was happening when reading this story. The story was filled with mystery and suspense, dragging me more and more into the story.
\nKeeping in mind with the word count limit, consider cutting out some of the unimportant parts within the intro, including the watch being broken and the tip.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"10516302","dateCreated":"1237992716","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"allie4522","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/allie4522","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237993324\/allie4522-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/10516302"},"dateDigested":1532767464,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comments","description":"i really really like this story. i think the ending was pretty good, but a little rushed. If your trying to cut down on words, try taking out some filler words, it makes the sentences sound very quick and more intense. Also some discriptive words, like her "pea coat" could just be a coat.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"10518286","body":"this story was really different. i liked it a lot. allie is right in saying that the shorter sentances making the story more quick and intense... that is what i did with my story. some of the sentances are also a little bit wordy... by fixing that, it will help to cut it down some.","dateCreated":"1237994772","smartDate":"Mar 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"tylerjlhs","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/tylerjlhs","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]}],"more":true},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}