{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"11431747","dateCreated":"1240587203","smartDate":"Apr 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"mmcferran","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mmcferran","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/11431747"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"The plot was amazing! I really liked how creative this was and how there was danger and suspense. There were some word choices that could have been better and some verb choices as well. All in all well written but some word changing!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9689388","dateCreated":"1235851287","smartDate":"Feb 28, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"katieob","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieob","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9689388"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Story 08","description":"The story was full of suspense, and interesting. I enjoyed it. =)
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\nYour use of sentence stucture was good as well.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9619096","dateCreated":"1235666748","smartDate":"Feb 26, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"claire2849","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/claire2849","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9619096"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"This is a very cleverly written story. The plot progression leaves the reader in suspense until the very last sentence, and the plot action itself is very creative and kind of creepy. I like that the story begins with a chase and a life-on-the-line situation. It all makes for a very good thriller. I did notice that there are a few gramamtical errors here and there that can be found upon revision, and also one instance of poor word choice. Instead of using the word 'bopped' to describe the murderer hitting the man on the nose, I would use a stronger verb. 'Bopped' is so little-kid-TV, it really isn't up to par with the other great diction you use in this story. I would also recommend extending the conclusion just a little bit. I like that it is overall a short ending but it seems too rushed with just one sentence. One more might make it more satisfying.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9616948","dateCreated":"1235664691","smartDate":"Feb 26, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"xChangetheStars","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/xChangetheStars","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9616948"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"Wow, excellent plot with an unexpected twist at the end. I remember wondering why Dredford would have had nightmares about the man\u2019s face, and that minor detail became a major aspect of the plot and worked perfectly to characterize the murderer and completely turn around the reader\u2019s understanding of the characters and plot. Really great!
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\n-\u201cHe immediately rose, trying to stifle the warm, gushing stream of blood that was emerging from his destroyed nose\u201d --nice addition\u2014it evokes that fear of bleeding in shark-infested water\u2026it evokes that fear that he has let loose blood and so the killer will somehow be magnetized to him. Plus he will leave his trail in blood. Adds an extra element of fear and anxiety by identifying the occurrence with something the reader already has a notion about. Nice.
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\n-Nice use of setting with the old, rusty, menacing machinery to foreshadow the murder and set the tone.
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\n-\u201cHis thoughts are abuzz with plans\u201d \u2013verb tense changes here. From past to present.
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\n-\u201cwicked looking dagger\u201d \u2013if you want to use the word wicked, perhaps replace this phrase with something like \u201cthe wicked blade of a dagger\u201d or \u201ca wicked-bladed dagger\u201d.
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\n-\u201cbopped the worker\u201d \u2013(this suggestion is merely suggestion, it is completely unnecessary) but I would suggest using a different word here (rather than bopped) as bopped does not quite seem to match the overall tone of the story. Bopped definitely works, but a different word might prove better.
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\n-\u201cmachine where Dredford once took refuge in\u201d\u2014maybe restructure to say \u201cthe machine in which Dreford once took refuge.\u201d
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\n:)","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9615850","dateCreated":"1235663695","smartDate":"Feb 26, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"DrewGauvain","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/DrewGauvain","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1237994231\/DrewGauvain-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9615850"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Story 8 Comments ","description":"Really suspencful. The action seens put me on the edge of my seat and make me wonder what is about to happen. I wrote a murder to and its difficult to keep it going but i think you did a good job doing it.
\nThe begining is a little to fast. More explanation as to who is running and from what would just make it more understandable.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9585088","dateCreated":"1235600943","smartDate":"Feb 25, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"fidan1993","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/fidan1993","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1235147613\/fidan1993-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9585088"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"Okay soooooooo i loved your story :] I liked how the first paragraph described the winter, it set the mood of the story. Also you had very few grammar mistakes and a great dialogue. The ending was unexpected, and i like that :]
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\nOne thing I would maybe add onto would be the first paragraph because it was a little vague","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9516376","dateCreated":"1235492934","smartDate":"Feb 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"butwills","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/butwills","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9516376"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"comment","description":"I would choose a different word in the first paragraph other than deserted, because as the reader I assumed that nobody's been there in years. Then it's somewhat confusing when you go on to talk about the man that locks up everynight.
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\nAlso, in the second paragraph, you refer to both the men by simply him or he, so it is incredibly hard to determine which man you're talking aboout.
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\nI thought that you did a really good job creating a suspensful plot full of action. I was nervous for the charcters and anxious to see what would happen next. I think if you clear up the pronoun confusion and the reader is no longer working to determine which character is which, the suspense will only become more intense.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9516150","dateCreated":"1235492540","smartDate":"Feb 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"oliviah15","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/oliviah15","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1222128529\/oliviah15-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9516150"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"setting story 8","description":"That was amazing!! it was soo good. There was so much intense and excitement. I never knew what was going to happen next!! the only other advise i would say was towards the end while lenny and Squiggy were talking and running away from the murderer there was a little bit of subject\/verb aggreament. YOu went from the past and then to the present. I want to know why the nurderer wanted to kill that Denford so badly. You definitly should write more in your spare time!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9514726","dateCreated":"1235491001","smartDate":"Feb 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"desiree377","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/desiree377","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9514726"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comments","description":"I enjoyed reading this. It was discriptive and you could tell that there was a lot of thought put into it. But, alot of your sentences started with it and it's and it is in the first paragraph and in the second he and his. This continued a lot throughout the story, and made me get bored of reading it. If you change those, your story will be more appealing and much better to read.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"9511920","dateCreated":"1235489073","smartDate":"Feb 24, 2009","userCreated":{"username":"dimariad","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/dimariad","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/sem2creativewriting.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/9511920"},"dateDigested":1532767477,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Comment","description":"there were lots of suprises in the story and the ending was definatly not what i expected. the descriptions of the characters were really good too","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]}],"more":true},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}