HELP! ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR TIGHTENING THIS STORY BY A COUPLE HUNDRED WORDS????
Invisible Haunting A scream pounded through her chest in a chaotic, grating whirl. She could not permit it to escape. But the pain was unbearable, insufferable. No, it had to remain within. She mustn’t be heard, they mustn’t know. It slammed throughout her with excruciating force, making her feel as though her only salvation would be to claw at her chest, providing the scream with a means of escape other than through her vocal chords.She beat at herself with great force, hoping that the physical pain might release the internal. But nothing lessened it. It felt as though her chest was continuously, relentlessly compressed and crushed. She kicked violently at the walls, anything to release the throbbing torment. But no, they might hear that. The erupting anguish, the unbearable burning agony. The sloping walls of her room seemed to press down upon her, stifling her. She opened her window and inhaled the sweet night air. Ahhh. But oh how the pain still clawed at her chest. Frantically, she threw the screen open as well and sat upon the second story windowsill, her feet dangling amidst the darkness outside. There she sat, contemplating as the torment continued to grip and crush her internally. Twenty minutes she sat there, legs slicing the boundless night, arms still grasping the stifling walls of her room. Was it worth it? With just one quick motion she could end it all, right then. Eventually, she pulled herself back into her room completely. She stood before her open window, motionless, for a long moment, mind racing. The cool night breeze swirled softly through her window and played with her hair. She mindlessly pulled the screen down, but left the window gaping open. With a sudden flair of pain, she threw herself upon her bed and thrashed about as though in spasms. She then stilled, placed her face into her pillow, and screamed with all the force that pressed upon her; all the pain just clawing, climbing, pounding to escape. And she screamed over and over, long grating wails; eerily haunting, filled with a nearly inhuman agony. Desperation, sorrow, remorse. Confliction, yearning, frustration. It was overwhelming, too much. The voices were returning, ascending the staircase. Audible illness, disease, cold self-absorption and eyes that could not see truth. She heard it in the swearing and yelling, the pounding. And they blamed it all on her; it was so much easier for them. Much less difficult to press their problems upon another, a vulnerable target; a daughter.Better than facing themselves and admitting to their troubles. She didn’t want to hear more, not tonight, for the frantic pain was already overwhelming. She did push-ups, kicked and punched the emptiness, contorted herself into a backbend. But the compressingclawing would not diminish. Frantic to sleep, to escape, she played music and allowed the pain to ease away with the electric violin. Finally, more out of desperation to flee reality than of any ease in pain, she fell into a fitful slumber. Sleep was not the escape for which she so desperately yearned. She saw their faces; a woman’s pale and tilted upward with heated pride, a man’s red, rough, and lined in a permanent frown.The man approached the woman, who stood before him. She adopted an air of controlled calm and spoke to him in the same manner. The woman was attempting desperately to help the man see truth. But she was approaching it in the wrong way. No, her voice was too controlled; the shaking undertones of pain, pride, and anxiety were inexplicably apparent in her stance and tone. And the man, so self-oriented, so blind, only yelled, only turned the color of a deep mottled bruise. In his fiery anger he shoved her. She frowned haughtily and maintained her ground but he continued to push her, to beat her to the floor. She lay on the ground and he stood above her with such cloudy eyes, so murky. It was as if they looked inward rather than out at the world. And he stood there, above the woman, triumphant, as though he had succeeded in revealing some truth.
Suddenly, the woman and man noticed her.
“You’re the f---ing problem! It’s all you, you ignorant, stupid kid! ” The man spat ferociously, fury in his cloudy eyes. The woman shook her head pretentiously, as though she knew all and felt sorry that the girl was simply unable to understand.The searing, clawing pain flared within the girl all the more strongly.
She awoke to a scream pounding through her chest in a chaotic, grating whirl. She could not permit it to escape. But the pain was unbearable, insufferable. No, it had to remain within. She mustn’t be heard, they mustn’t know. It slammed throughout her with excruciating force until her body writhed in spasms. The girl’s mother entered the room and saw her daughter in such a state.
“What are you doing now?” the woman asked coldly, with shielded worry.Suddenly, and with a shrill gasp, the woman was pulled violently to her knees. Her habitually uplifted chin dropped as she bowed her head to the floor. A coarse, dark shadow erupted forth from within the woman as she bowed. A grating shriek roared until the shadow dissipated and the shriek faded to motionless silence. The girl ceased writhing. Her mother remained upon her knees, bowed.
All was silent, all was still. Nothing was visible, nothing but the sun tentatively spreading its tendrils of gold through the thick dusky sky.
Invisible Haunting
A scream pounded through her chest in a chaotic, grating whirl. She could not permit it to escape. But the pain was unbearable, insufferable. No, it had to remain within. She mustn’t be heard, they mustn’t know. It slammed throughout her with excruciating force, making her feel as though her only salvation would be to claw at her chest, providing the scream with a means of escape other than through her vocal chords. She beat at herself with great force, hoping that the physical pain might release the internal. But nothing lessened it. It felt as though her chest was continuously, relentlessly compressed and crushed. She kicked violently at the walls, anything to release the throbbing torment. But no, they might hear that. The erupting anguish, the unbearable burning agony.
The sloping walls of her room seemed to press down upon her, stifling her. She opened her window and inhaled the sweet night air. Ahhh. But oh how the pain still clawed at her chest. Frantically, she threw the screen open as well and sat upon the second story windowsill, her feet dangling amidst the darkness outside. There she sat, contemplating as the torment continued to grip and crush her internally. Twenty minutes she sat there, legs slicing the boundless night, arms still grasping the stifling walls of her room. Was it worth it? With just one quick motion she could end it all, right then. Eventually, she pulled herself back into her room completely. She stood before her open window, motionless, for a long moment, mind racing. The cool night breeze swirled softly through her window and played with her hair. She mindlessly pulled the screen down, but left the window gaping open.
With a sudden flair of pain, she threw herself upon her bed and thrashed about as though in spasms. She then stilled, placed her face into her pillow, and screamed with all the force that pressed upon her; all the pain just clawing, climbing, pounding to escape. And she screamed over and over, long grating wails; eerily haunting, filled with a nearly inhuman agony. Desperation, sorrow, remorse. Confliction, yearning, frustration. It was overwhelming, too much.
The voices were returning, ascending the staircase. Audible illness, disease, cold self-absorption and eyes that could not see truth. She heard it in the swearing and yelling, the pounding. And they blamed it all on her; it was so much easier for them. Much less difficult to press their problems upon another, a vulnerable target; a daughter. Better than facing themselves and admitting to their troubles.
She didn’t want to hear more, not tonight, for the frantic pain was already overwhelming. She did push-ups, kicked and punched the emptiness, contorted herself into a backbend. But the compressing clawing would not diminish. Frantic to sleep, to escape, she played music and allowed the pain to ease away with the electric violin. Finally, more out of desperation to flee reality than of any ease in pain, she fell into a fitful slumber.
Sleep was not the escape for which she so desperately yearned. She saw their faces; a woman’s pale and tilted upward with heated pride, a man’s red, rough, and lined in a permanent frown. The man approached the woman, who stood before him. She adopted an air of controlled calm and spoke to him in the same manner. The woman was attempting desperately to help the man see truth. But she was approaching it in the wrong way. No, her voice was too controlled; the shaking undertones of pain, pride, and anxiety were inexplicably apparent in her stance and tone. And the man, so self-oriented, so blind, only yelled, only turned the color of a deep mottled bruise. In his fiery anger he shoved her. She frowned haughtily and maintained her ground but he continued to push her, to beat her to the floor. She lay on the ground and he stood above her with such cloudy eyes, so murky. It was as if they looked inward rather than out at the world. And he stood there, above the woman, triumphant, as though he had succeeded in revealing some truth.
Suddenly, the woman and man noticed her.
“You’re the f---ing problem! It’s all you, you ignorant, stupid kid! ” The man spat ferociously, fury in his cloudy eyes. The woman shook her head pretentiously, as though she knew all and felt sorry that the girl was simply unable to understand. The searing, clawing pain flared within the girl all the more strongly.
She awoke to a scream pounding through her chest in a chaotic, grating whirl. She could not permit it to escape. But the pain was unbearable, insufferable. No, it had to remain within. She mustn’t be heard, they mustn’t know. It slammed throughout her with excruciating force until her body writhed in spasms. The girl’s mother entered the room and saw her daughter in such a state.
“What are you doing now?” the woman asked coldly, with shielded worry. Suddenly, and with a shrill gasp, the woman was pulled violently to her knees. Her habitually uplifted chin dropped as she bowed her head to the floor. A coarse, dark shadow erupted forth from within the woman as she bowed. A grating shriek roared until the shadow dissipated and the shriek faded to motionless silence. The girl ceased writhing. Her mother remained upon her knees, bowed.
All was silent, all was still. Nothing was visible, nothing but the sun tentatively spreading its tendrils of gold through the thick dusky sky.